Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
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ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.