@BlueOnBlack72

*guy about to invent Keto*

*sips coffee*

Not buttery enough.

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@linkindrinkin

professor x: what is your superpower

me: dinosaur chicken nuggets

professor x: that is not a superpower

me: i thought you said superfood

@LetsGet9ined

Man: a pack of condoms please.

Cashier: would you like a paper bag?

Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.

@Roy_oh_Roy

Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?

God: *wearing bird mask* BOO

Caterpillar: o000ö

God: haha jk it’s just me

Caterpillar: oOOOö

God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT

@pixelatedboat

No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school

@noodlegrip

People say sharks swim amongst us all the time like that’s comforting. If velociraptors lurked around basketball courts and only attacked a few times a year I guarantee Will would have never been on that court, gotten into that fight, nor moved with his auntie & uncle in Bel Aire

@CornOnTheGoblin

my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp

@Marlebean

My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.

@JasonLight73

Duck you AutoCorrect! You Blimb! I’m way more BadApps than you make me out to be! You Ducking piece of shed..BuckFace Toothless Bastilleday!

@Lxnndo

divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭