@BlueOnBlack72

*guy about to invent Keto*

*sips coffee*

Not buttery enough.

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@LoveMeNowDad

A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls

@bocxtop

my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi

@k_lli

If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.

@matthandlersux

a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans

@Divergentmama

My husband told me he thinks he folded the towels right, so I told him I think he might get lucky tonight…

…and now he’s refolding them.

@kelter1

Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

@_elvishpresley_

[first day as a detective]

cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene

me: *under breath* birds

@LoveNLunchmeat

I really relate to your au naturale selfies because I too was born wearing seven pounds of mascara and an eyeshadow palette of urban grey.

@NervousJr

“I can’t wait until this one orange erases years of poor eating choices.”

-me, dieting