“Are you ok?”
Never heard of him
*guy about to invent Keto*
Not buttery enough.
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professor x: what is your superpower
me: dinosaur chicken nuggets
professor x: that is not a superpower
me: i thought you said superfood
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
God: haha jk it’s just me
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
People say sharks swim amongst us all the time like that’s comforting. If velociraptors lurked around basketball courts and only attacked a few times a year I guarantee Will would have never been on that court, gotten into that fight, nor moved with his auntie & uncle in Bel Aire
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Duck you AutoCorrect! You Blimb! I’m way more BadApps than you make me out to be! You Ducking piece of shed..BuckFace Toothless Bastilleday!
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭