*guy about to invent Keto*

*sips coffee*

Not buttery enough.

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professor x: what is your superpower

me: dinosaur chicken nuggets

professor x: that is not a superpower

me: i thought you said superfood


Man: a pack of condoms please.

Cashier: would you like a paper bag?

Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.


Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?

God: *wearing bird mask* BOO

Caterpillar: o000ö

God: haha jk it’s just me

Caterpillar: oOOOö



No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school


People say sharks swim amongst us all the time like that’s comforting. If velociraptors lurked around basketball courts and only attacked a few times a year I guarantee Will would have never been on that court, gotten into that fight, nor moved with his auntie & uncle in Bel Aire


my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp


My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.


Duck you AutoCorrect! You Blimb! I’m way more BadApps than you make me out to be! You Ducking piece of shed..BuckFace Toothless Bastilleday!


divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭