[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
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I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
do what now??
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.