Guy about to invent the everything bagel: *removes couch cushions to vacuum*

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me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.

them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”


I sleep with a Bible under my pillow in case anyone wants to break in and accept Jesus Christ as their lord and personal savior


My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix


If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.


Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.

Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.


Marrying my gay friend bc it’s important for couples to have common interests and we are both interested in men!