@portmanteauface

Guy about to invent the everything bagel: *removes couch cushions to vacuum*

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@DrakeGatsby

me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.

them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”

@ThisLocalHater

I sleep with a Bible under my pillow in case anyone wants to break in and accept Jesus Christ as their lord and personal savior

@lmegordon

My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix

@meghaffer

If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.

@Parkerlawyer

Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.

Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.

@karencheee

Marrying my gay friend bc it’s important for couples to have common interests and we are both interested in men!