[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
You Might Also Like
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.