@QwertyJones3

GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing

ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me

GUY: DAMMIT

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@LowIifee

normal person: 7+6= 13

me: if 7+7 is 14 & 6 is one less than 7 then 7+6 must be 13.

@inmybox07

Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind

Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages

@VictorscarletJ

I know we just got divorced, but would you mind showing my girlfriend how to make an omelet the way I like them?

@theDRaGnrebOrN

I’m gonna get a local farmer to produce my next album. I heard he had some sick beets.

@BeTheCookie

Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!

@TommyKarate

Local video store is offering a chance to win free iPads, so naturally, I reported them as spam.

@shawn_spree

A Febreze commercial but with pot head teenagers trying not to get busted by their parents that had just walked in the house.

@N8Swick

Imagine how excited Barn Owls were when humans invented barns.

@Home_Halfway

The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.