GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing

ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me


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normal person: 7+6= 13

me: if 7+7 is 14 & 6 is one less than 7 then 7+6 must be 13.


Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind

Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages


I know we just got divorced, but would you mind showing my girlfriend how to make an omelet the way I like them?


I’m gonna get a local farmer to produce my next album. I heard he had some sick beets.


Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!


Local video store is offering a chance to win free iPads, so naturally, I reported them as spam.


A Febreze commercial but with pot head teenagers trying not to get busted by their parents that had just walked in the house.


Imagine how excited Barn Owls were when humans invented barns.


The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.