GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
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Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.