@QwertyJones3

GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing

ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me

GUY: DAMMIT

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@ObscureGent

Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.

@BrownDogBlanket

I watched Neil deGrasse Tyson talk about Milky Ways for an hour and I still have no idea what nougat is.

@TheBoydP

“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”

~Dogs probably

@KimmyMonte

{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?

@CrockettForReal

I establish dominance over my kids by sprinkling LEGO around their beds while they’re sleeping

@theshamingofjay

Sometimes I end up watching cartoons after my kids have left the room. On a related note, has anyone seen my kids?

@MicheleAKALips

I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.

@ch000ch

step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks

@boring_as_heck

Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.

@NikiWithIssues

Knowing is half the battle. The other half is choosing the right pokemon.