@huntigula

GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess

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@robfee

1 Buy a racehorse
2 Hire a TMZ reporter as the jockey
3 Tell him a minor celebrities is drunk at the finish line
4 Win literally every race

@SaddestTiger

sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.

@joe_binkley

Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts

@LMaretta

6, that’s SIX, people emailed everyone at work with the SAME information which has resulted in 48 replies and now I wanna quit my job.

@IamEveryDayPpl

I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.

@SimplyNamedTron

How to dress like Lady Gaga: 1. Go to ikea. 2. Pick a object that doesn’t belong on your head. 3. Put it on your head.

@DanSpenser

Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:

William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black

@sickipediabot

My dad put a lot of pressure on me as a child. He used to say stuff like,

“You’re five years old? When I was your age, I was six”