GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
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Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
reviewed some movies recently
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.