GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
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A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies