Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
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My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
lol
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
asked my bf how work was today
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig