@Clint_Bing

Guy asked me today if I’ve ever owned a dog. I was like lmao yeah I own dogs all the time they can’t even say shit back

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@TheMichaelRock

Radio: The purge has begun. For the next 12 hours, all crime is legal.

Me[gets in the 10 items or less line with 11 items] this is exhilarating!

@BuckyIsotope

Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased

@Megatronic13

My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead

@noogscorner

Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.

@LostCatDog

Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School

@figgled

Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming

@dooce

A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.

@niccolethurman

*googles how to cook something*

Food Blog: Well, we’re gonna get there but first let me tell you about my trip to Sicily when I was 17, a boy named Valentino and how I discovered the joy of GRAINS.