Guy asked me today if I’ve ever owned a dog. I was like lmao yeah I own dogs all the time they can’t even say shit back

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Radio: The purge has begun. For the next 12 hours, all crime is legal.

Me[gets in the 10 items or less line with 11 items] this is exhilarating!


Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased


My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead


Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.


Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School


Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming


A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.


*googles how to cook something*

Food Blog: Well, we’re gonna get there but first let me tell you about my trip to Sicily when I was 17, a boy named Valentino and how I discovered the joy of GRAINS.