I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
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Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed