I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
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This password is taken
This password is taken too
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
I’m sorry I tweeted about the same topic as someone else, but in my defense, I haven’t read the entire internet yet.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus: who likes fish
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
ME: you like dogs?
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.