Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
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Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Beware…..
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.