There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
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Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?