@michaelianblack

Guy at Dairy Queen was yelling at everybody because they didn’t have waffle cones but they had PICTURES of waffle cones. That guy was me.

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@sarcasticmommy4

If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.

@sixfootcandy

Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?

Husband: What else do you have?

Me: *eyes narrow*

Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!

@pilau

[first day at pet store]

me: you want this boxed?

her: you can’t box a goldfish

me: [lacing up gloves] watch me

@Eagle_Vision

Yes, Pitbull, we are having a good time. Please stop asking every two minutes.

@clairedaniellem

yo i hate honors college boys i just asked this guy “hey why aren’t koalas considered bears?” and he hits me with “they’re marsupials” shut up nerd the answer to the joke is “they don’t have the koalafications”

@Smug_Lemur

Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.

@AndyAsAdjective

“How did your

*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*

favorite sports team do in their

*looks down again*

sporting contest today?”

@bullfrog_1979

Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!