@michaelianblack

Guy at Dairy Queen was yelling at everybody because they didn’t have waffle cones but they had PICTURES of waffle cones. That guy was me.

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@david8hughes

The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.

@T_N_Crumpets

[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*

@Jack_Wagon1

Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.

@AimeeHelene1

Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.

*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)

@loudmouth_usa

Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones

@Contwixt

The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.

@robin_991

Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night

@TylerLinkin

What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.