The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Guy at Dairy Queen was yelling at everybody because they didn’t have waffle cones but they had PICTURES of waffle cones. That guy was me.
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Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?