yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
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Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.