guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
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wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”