@clindsaysway

Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.

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@edheenan

If breaking a mirror is 7 years bad luck then breaking a condom is 18, right?

@ShanaRose21

I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.

@Elizasoul80

[slashing food truck tires]

friend: wtf are you doing?!

[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!

@junejuly12

[making dinner]

Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me

Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about

@MavenofHonor

This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.

@bingowings14

The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.

@EJGomez

guy: my dog just died

girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog