If breaking a mirror is 7 years bad luck then breaking a condom is 18, right?
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
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what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
When this quarantine is over, let’s not tell some people.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.