Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
You Might Also Like
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Something Saturday.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.