guy at the gym: hey can you spot me

me: ya you’re not even hiding

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ME: I dreamed about you last night

PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir


* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications


I bet the murder rate is so low in Canada because you have to go 300 miles to find someone to kill.


ME: can i open a joint account

BANKER: ok with who

ME: anyone rich


I just cut my hand on a box of band aids if you were wondering how I’m doing at life


Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*

Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*


[After Big Jewel Heist]

“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”

ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok


Working on my new book, “How to Get Through Life Without Reading.”


By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.

I hope it was worth it.


*wife gives me a big hug before I leave for work*

I love you too, babe!


Where’s my credit card? Son of a..