guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
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[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
How to make infinite energy.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.