@Shen_the_Bird

guy at the gym: hey can you spot me

me: ya you’re not even hiding

You Might Also Like

@AndyAsAdjective

ME: I dreamed about you last night

PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir

@BruceForce

* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications

@TheMichaelRock

I bet the murder rate is so low in Canada because you have to go 300 miles to find someone to kill.

@ClichedOut

ME: can i open a joint account

BANKER: ok with who

ME: anyone rich

@flukyness

I just cut my hand on a box of band aids if you were wondering how I’m doing at life

@alexlumaga

Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*

Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*

@sad_tree

[After Big Jewel Heist]

“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”

ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok

@iGreenMonk

Working on my new book, “How to Get Through Life Without Reading.”

@GrumpyComments

By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.

I hope it was worth it.

@TheMichaelRock

*wife gives me a big hug before I leave for work*

I love you too, babe!

[later]

Where’s my credit card? Son of a..