ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
You Might Also Like
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
I bet the murder rate is so low in Canada because you have to go 300 miles to find someone to kill.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
I just cut my hand on a box of band aids if you were wondering how I’m doing at life
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Working on my new book, “How to Get Through Life Without Reading.”
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
*wife gives me a big hug before I leave for work*
I love you too, babe!
Where’s my credit card? Son of a..