guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
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Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me