A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.
Guy at the park who just put out his cigar and started doing tai chi is my new fitness guru.
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You think your cat is pretty easy going, but then the kids want to find out if cats float in the bathtub.
If loving copies is wrong, I don’t want to be copyright.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
“Mom! Mom! Hold this cockroach while I grab the lizard!”
–Things I honestly never imagined I’d hear as a parent
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
If I were in a musical, I’d get fired in a week. Keep a straight face while someone looks in my eyes & sings to me? Nope. Sorry. Impossible.