@KenJennings

Guy at the park who just put out his cigar and started doing tai chi is my new fitness guru.

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@Xoolun

A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.

@junejuly12

You think your cat is pretty easy going, but then the kids want to find out if cats float in the bathtub.

@Reverend_Scott

dog 911: what’s ur emergency?

dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE

dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?

dog: [whimpering]

dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass

@djdarrellripley

Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.

Her: Why don’t you get married?

Me: I’ve never been that hungry.

@neptunemoons

“Mom! Mom! Hold this cockroach while I grab the lizard!”

–Things I honestly never imagined I’d hear as a parent

@HeyLynnMolly

A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.

@The_JRM

If I were in a musical, I’d get fired in a week. Keep a straight face while someone looks in my eyes & sings to me? Nope. Sorry. Impossible.