@KenJennings: Guy at the park who just put out his cigar and started doing tai chi is my new fitness guru.
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@AndrewNadeau0: Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
@CobraKeiser: [pulled over] Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don't say maybe this will clear everything up
@deadstick_ron: Therapist: and how are you now? Morgan Freeman: I am fine Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine Therapist: I'm sorry what?
@juneohara65: Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.