To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
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“I’m sorry”:
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volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
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volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.