Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
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Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
I think my mom just blocked me
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly