my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
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Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.