I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Guy [beating me up for making a joke at an inappropriate time]: whos funny now you piece of shit
Me: wait, you thought i was funny before?
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I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
They laughed at me when I bought Velcro sneakers but no one will be laughing when the great shoelace drought of 2044 comes
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed…while married women come home see what’s in the bed and go to the fridge.