@animaldrumss

Guy [beating me up for making a joke at an inappropriate time]: whos funny now you piece of shit
Me: wait, you thought i was funny before?

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@AnitaHelmet

I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.

And to their wives. And their local fire departments.

@jazmasta

They laughed at me when I bought Velcro sneakers but no one will be laughing when the great shoelace drought of 2044 comes

@ULTRAGLOSS

running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.

@JimmerThatisAll

People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.

@PinkCamoTO

$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.

They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.

@deenasjoint

Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed…while married women come home see what’s in the bed and go to the fridge.