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I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.