I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
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4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons: