Guy behind me at a concert recording with his iPad was pissed when I held up my 40″ monitor that was hooked to my laptop, blocking his view

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I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.


ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.


Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw

Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment

Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti


I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.


Me: And I would do anything for love.

Her: Put your phone down.

Me: But I won’t do that.

Her: You said anything.

Me: No I won’t do that.


“dad mom wont tell me where babies come from”
*dad slams newspaper down*
*clenches fists*


As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”


The milk in my fridge went bad. It beat up my orange juice and started selling meth to all the condiments.


To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.