Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
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4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Morning my dudes.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
I’ve had relationships like this
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape