@Mr_Kapowski

Guy behind me at a concert recording with his iPad was pissed when I held up my 40″ monitor that was hooked to my laptop, blocking his view

You Might Also Like

@chudneyspears

I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.

@ObscureGent

ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.

@ArfMeasures

Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw

Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment

Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti

@NutellaV

I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.

@CulturedRuffian

Me: And I would do anything for love.

Her: Put your phone down.

Me: But I won’t do that.

Her: You said anything.

Me: No I won’t do that.

@EJGomez

“dad mom wont tell me where babies come from”
*dad slams newspaper down*
DAMN THAT WOMAN & HER SECRETS
*clenches fists*
WHY WONT SHE TELL US

@catcerveny

As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”

@TheTalkingPipe

The milk in my fridge went bad. It beat up my orange juice and started selling meth to all the condiments.

@PatsATweetin

To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.