[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
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I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
I bet birds love this building.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!