It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
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I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
multitasking lunch
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
my sentiments exactly
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.