The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
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Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”