Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
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“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.