@drankturpentine

guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?

co-worker with a ponytail: karate

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@YourMomsucksTho

If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something

@FredTaming

[ cooking class ]
 
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
 
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd

@daemonic3

ME: I got us a custom headstone!

WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes

ME: Just read it

WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”

@Ivsy01

If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.

@PapaPreaches

Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.

@iwearaonesie

wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?

@Havish_AF

I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.

*From me

@krissywillbretz

A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.

@Baldylockzzz

Look girl, all I’m saying is , if I have to choose between you and chocolate milk

Be prepared to cry

@TheMichaelRock

If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.