guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?

co-worker with a ponytail: karate

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If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something


[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd


ME: I got us a custom headstone!

WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes

ME: Just read it

WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”


If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.


Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.


wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?


I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.

*From me


A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.


Look girl, all I’m saying is , if I have to choose between you and chocolate milk

Be prepared to cry


If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.