guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
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PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”