guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
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Worst bar ever.
Does beer think about me too?
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty