After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
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Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes