Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
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(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.