@KeetPotato

[guy driving the same kia waves as he passes us]
son: why did that man wave at you
me: because we’ve both made the same mistakes in life son

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@PlainTravis

After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.

@michaelianblack

Our family’s annual tradition, as I put up the tree, everybody gathers around to watch my wife tell me I’m stringing the lights wrong.

@JohnsonDiaz21

My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.

@SirEviscerate

ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*

@Mormonger

Veganism is responsible for The Fall.

Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.

@mattZillaaaa

I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas

@FU_TangClan

Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?

Audience: WOOOOOOOOO

Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?

Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm

@HanaMichels

I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.

@krautsauce

“If I had a bookstore I’d make the mystery section really hard to find.”