Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
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TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a DM.