Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
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me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
I am all good here, 😂😉
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Go hard or stay average
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top