Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
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Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
yeet
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.