I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
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Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.