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@AJslackie: Guy Fieri sisters name is Girl Fieri
@dirtroaddiva1: My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
@BigJDubz: Her: you're in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can't... drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
@UncleDuke1969: "It's a dog-eat-dog world."
- Hannibal Labradoodle
@simoncholland: I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
@baronvonbike: At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.