His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Guy Fieri sisters name is Girl Fieri
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Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
Wolf: d-do I have to?
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”