Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
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Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
I love the honesty
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy