*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
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I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white