(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
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Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
🙋♀️
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system