Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
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You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Haha good job!!
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move