@chrisdelia

Guy – “Hey are you famous?”

Me – “No.”

Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”

Me – “I don’t speak English.”

Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”

Me – “The Ukraine.”

Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”

Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”

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@turtledumplin

Me: I don’t know how to dance to this kind of music

Beer: yes you do

@hippieswordfish

my goth girlfriend says she likes me for who i am on the inside (a skeleton)

@Terdoh

If aliens are only on the quest for intelligent life, then Earth really has nothing to worry about.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.

@reycarlos_88

Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free

@KalvinMacleod

DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur

ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here

@KentWGraham

I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”

@BrownDogBlanket

Just once, I’d love to see a post game interview where the losing team blames Satan.

@flashember

ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters

@BobTheSuit

Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.