Guy – “Hey are you famous?”

Me – “No.”

Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”

Me – “I don’t speak English.”

Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”

Me – “The Ukraine.”

Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”

Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”

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Me: I don’t know how to dance to this kind of music

Beer: yes you do


my goth girlfriend says she likes me for who i am on the inside (a skeleton)


If aliens are only on the quest for intelligent life, then Earth really has nothing to worry about.


Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.


Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free


DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur

ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here


I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”


Just once, I’d love to see a post game interview where the losing team blames Satan.


ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters


Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.