Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
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My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Effort made
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.