GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
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Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
I am patiently waiting for your email
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Ron is short for Aaronald
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.