@fanofhell

guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine

guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine

- @fanofhell

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@milkin_hunnies

“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”

@Carbosly

You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”

@JimmerThatisAll

“What’s that?”

“It’s a therapy cat.”

“It looks like a chihuahua.”

“That’s why the therapy.”

@AllieA

My boss just sent me the heart eyes emoji. Since we’re clearly being honest with each other I replied with a monkey with a gun to its head.

@GrantTanaka

at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back

@KyleMcDowell86

When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe

@Cycloptomese

[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]

Me: This is absolutely magnificent.

[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]

Me: This is pretty alright I guess.