guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
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Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham