*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
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“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….