@ShortSleeveSuit

GUY: how’s it going?

ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron

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@huntigula

psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*

@longwall26

Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”

@briancthayer

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.

@mattZillaaaa

I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space

@heidi420x

I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.

@OtherDanOBrien

Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now

@robknepper

“Hey mom, where could I buy some paperclips?”

“Staples?”

“No….Paperclips.”

@sixfootcandy

Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”

Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”

@brennadine

[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT

@UncleDuke1969

DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”