GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
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Awwwww shit.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck