@ShortSleeveSuit

GUY: how’s it going?

ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron

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@GraceSpelman

My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it

@ThugRaccoons

Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine

Me: That took guts, LOL

Patient: Who is that guy?

Surgeon: I thought you knew him

@kylekinane

Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.

@AaronFullerton

Before you buy that nice jacket online, ask yourself: “Am I willing to delete one extra email every day for the rest of my life?”

@DaddyJew

Me: I thought I told you no more snacking

8: it’s an energy bar

Me: then why are there m&m’s on them?

8: duh…that’s where the energy comes from

@TheAlexP

*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*

Me: want a piece?

Her: wrong, whole.

@freedom2726

Hey! My husband wanted me to let you guys know he calls me his “wined up” toy.

@SCbchbum

If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.

@BoogTweets

911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.

Me: I WASNT READY