I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
You Might Also Like
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Before you buy that nice jacket online, ask yourself: “Am I willing to delete one extra email every day for the rest of my life?”
Me: I thought I told you no more snacking
8: it’s an energy bar
Me: then why are there m&m’s on them?
8: duh…that’s where the energy comes from
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Hey! My husband wanted me to let you guys know he calls me his “wined up” toy.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY