GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
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her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.