guy I just met: ‘it’s nice to meet you’
me: ‘I’m tired of your lies’

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My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.

Parenting is hard, you guys.



the abominable snowman


the loch ness monster

a unicorn


restful sleep


a super walmart




a 2,000 calorie diet

santa claus


Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.


[Getting back into van after museum heist]

Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?


I hate it when I’m at someone’s house and they ask stupid questions like “Who are you?” and “Is that a gun?”


I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”


I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “


my bed has four corners

[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners


magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*