“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
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Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*