She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
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Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
I need better friends
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Sending in my taxes
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.